This is not the post I wanted to write this week

Sometimes shit just happens

Photo by Johnny Cohen on Unsplash

I was out for two days. Okay, I’m being dramatic — I wasn’t completely out out. I was just not very in.

I suffer from migraines. I have been told that I am lucky, that some people have it much worse, that some even live with permanent migraines. I honestly cannot imagine what it must be like to permanently live like this, and feel deeply for the people thus afflicted. At the same time, my migraines — temporary and comparatively short as they may be — are painful and regular and have become more so as I get older.

And so, for the past two days, I have been in a smog of pain and nausea — yes, let’s not forget to mention that my migraines are accompanied by vomiting — that only completely lifted this morning.

I am not sure why I am sharing this, to be honest. I guess this feels like a safe place to share. I don’t usually tell people about it. It’s hard to explain a migraine to someone who hasn’t experienced one. Mostly, people think I’m just having a bad headache and look at me as if asking “why don’t you just take a pain killer?” while politely smiling and wishing I move on to talking about something else. And I always feel less-than, like maybe they are right, maybe I am being a big baby and it wasn’t that bad, really.

Except it is.

Occasionally, I will catch it coming at the right moment. When I do, I take a pill (sumatriptan is the active ingredient), go to bed for an hour or so and, if indeed the pill was taken at just the right time, I wake up, pain free and am able to go about the day normally. Sometimes, the pain comes back the next morning, and, once again… it’s all about timing. This cycle used to end after the second day, now it tends to last up to four days. I am lucky that I don’t have any of the side effects of the pill — for me, when it works, it works, though I know well not to abuse it.

When I don’t catch it at the right time, though, when I don’t…

This time I didn’t.

To make things worse, I had a toothache brewing. I should have gone to the dentist a week before but, well… didn’t. So, on Wednesday I woke up in pain from the tooth.

My migraine manifests itself on the left side of the head. Usually behind the left eye, or above it, or basically just all over the left side of my face. The tooth pain was on the right side, and even when it became more of a headache, I ignored it. When I say I ignored it, I mean I called the dentist, made an appointment and took some ibuprofen. You know, the pain killer.

Pain killers have zero effect on migraines. At least on my migraine. I don’t think most people realise that.

The ibuprofen helped with the toothache. I relaxed, I had a dentist appointment for the next day, it would be ok. I went to bed ignoring that my head still hurt. It didn’t feel like the migraine, it’s just a headache I told myself. When you suffer from migraines, headaches don’t even register on the pain scale, they are a nuisance, like a mosquito buzzing away at your ear that you just shake off and move on.

I was so focussed on the toothache that I missed the warning signs. The queasy feeling in the stomach, my left eye wanting to close of its own accord. I missed those signs and so, in the morning, when I realised I might be having a migraine, I still took the pill, but it was too late.

I spent Thursday between my darkened bedroom and the toilet. Sorry if too much info. I ate nothing, not sure what there was to throw up, but throw up I did. Again and again. For the whole day. I’m not exaggerating.

I didn’t make it to the dentist.

I wish I was better with words. I wish I could better describe the pain, how it feels.

The best I can do is to say that it’s like a handful of blunt needles pushing out from inside my head. It feels like my eye wants to come out of its socket. It feels like my head is going to crack open, and I actually want it to so the pain stops. I see everything as if through a veil, distant and detached from me. It’s a pain that demands my full attention.

And that’s only the pain. Because the nausea and the vomiting… well, that’s a whole different post altogether, one I will never write because it’s just too gut wrenching (pun intended).

In these moments, I have to fight against giving in to the pain. I have to tell myself that it’s happened before and it will very likely happen again, but this one will pass. This one will pass.

In these moments, I think that’s it, this time my head will surely explode, I will die, or worse, my brain will implode, I will have a stroke. And then the biggest fear of all shows its ugly head: I won’t be there for my daughter, I won’t see her grow up, she will lose me, she will grow up without me… the panic will set in if I let it. To think these things only makes it worse, of course, but it’s difficult to stop.

Usually, Radek is here; he holds the fort and reminds me that this one will pass too. He helps. He keeps the panic in check. But this week, Radek is away and I am alone with our daughter. It was harder. Much harder. I was not able to disappear and wait for it to pass. I had to tell myself I will be ok and not give in to the panic. Talking on the phone is not the same…

And then my daughter surprised me, and, while taking full advantage of the suddenly unparented (is that even a word?) screen time, she also reassured me she was ok, she ate the insufficient meal I prepared, cleared the table and did the dishes. Then, at bedtime, she brushed her teeth, put on her pyjamas and joined me in bed. And she read to me. Panic over.

I fell asleep sure that tomorrow would be a better day.

And it was. On Friday, my stomach was more settled so I was able to start taking an antibiotic and go to the dentist. My face was like a ballon, it was now clear I had an infection but, amazingly, it didn’t hurt. I guess maybe my brain couldn’t cope with two different kinds of pain and decided to focus on the left side of my face, behind my left eye.

After the dentist, I had a small meltdown (it wasn’t good news about the tooth). After a good cry in the car, I drove home. The world was starting to come into focus again. I still didn’t feel fully human but I was able to function better. We even took the dog for a walk in the late afternoon and spoke to some neighbours, who, noticing the sunglasses, kindly commented that no, my face didn’t look that bad. Towards the evening, though, I was feeling tired and just wanted to go to bed. The pain was receding but didn’t want to give in. I just wanted to go to bed.

Despite a less than ideal night, waking up in pain and crying quietly in fear that I would be out for the count yet another day — a Saturday of all days, a non-school day — I finally woke up at 5:30 free of pain. Relief. This one has passed.

And so, I am able to write this now. It’s the fist time I have written about my migraine. I don’t know why I felt compelled to do it now. But there is is.

If you suffer from migraines too, I feel you, you are not alone. If you don’t but know someone who does, maybe next time they tell you about it be kind, don’t suggest they take a pain killer. It doesn’t help.

---

So, what’s been happening in the studio?

As you can imagine, nothing much.

I managed to glaze part of the kid’s Mother Day’s gifts (see last week’s post) but still have one full class to go. The kiln is half full. There is time, but I need to start it today.

---

That’s is it for this week.

As the title says, this is not the post I had meant to send out, but it’s the post I felt I needed to send out.

Sometimes, shit just happens and all schedules go out the window. That’s life.

Thank you so much for reading and I will see you next week!

---